I don't know how to feel about my uncle

Unfortunately, in the psst year i had been sexually assault in multiple occasions, including a teacher of mine, but now i know something about my past and I don't know how to feel about that

Im 19y(male) and I don't know 97% of my life before i had 12y, i just woke one day with 12 years old with a few memories, but a few things remain consistent since this days 1- I don't allow anyone to touch the nape of my neck, never, whenever someone does, i automatically get into a panic stage for a second and most of the times end up ou punching away or just holding it so tight that i can hurt the hands of my friends, when none of this things happens, i just freeze in place

2- for some reason, i am not comfortable around old man, I don't like their voices, the way thei skin feels etc

3- i hated my uncle for no reason at all, i just hated him i didn't want to even look at him

With all this in mind, i said this things separately to my old therapist and she said at the time that maybe my uncle had done something to me, in that day i just thought "my uncle would never do this" but i got out of therapy and started to regains some memories, i remembered that holding me by my nape is something my uncle would do to me alot, i also remembered that most of the time i was at this uncle's house alone and sometimes he would call me to "help" him to shower, but I don't really remember what happened in this showers. My uncle is already dead, i told this whole story to some friends and asked if i was crazy for thinking my uncle would fo that and none of them said other thing than "i think you know what happens and is trying to deny that

Keep in mind that i also struggle alot with my sexual life, i am very insecure about if the person im having sex is liking or not, in my old relationships i would think that people would onlt love me if i let them "use" me etc

So, to this day i don't really have any memory of the supposed rape, I can't really say that i was really, but that's my story