I’m a masochist (F18)

I won’t go into detail. It’s just that, lately, I feel like I’m less and less interested life. Lately is two years now, just a steep downwards ride. I really feel like I only like things that hurt anymore. I’ve taken it to the extreme. I feel like a loser. Everything else bores me, and I just don’t feel like there’s really much to life sometimes. I’m not suicidal, I just feel like everything’s boring, and gray, all the time. This all sounds cliche, but it’s how it comes out. The only thing that distracts me is someone who could just drag me around. I feel like puddle, limp and melted all the time, I feel useless. I feel too young to be feeling this way. I can’t see myself doing anything in the future anymore. I sound so pessimistic as I read this and I can’t stand how sorry for myself I sound. I just don’t know what to do.

I feel like all I could ever exist for is sex now, and maybe I’m not even worth that. Can anyone relate? How do I…shake this off?

Usually I’d believe no one should think about anyone else this way, how do I stop thinking about myself like this?