Someone help me figure this out, please…

WARNING!! Super long.

Note: sorry if this isn’t detailed enough. I had to delete some words because my last post was removed because of the word count.

I know that some of you aren’t psychiatrists or people who test other people for BPD, but I seriously need help.

I’ve known about BPD for a few years now, and it just sounds awful, so I am so sorry if this sounds disrespectful or anything, I will take this down if that is what you want.

Forever now, I’ve been so sensitive and always burst from these little ‘triggers’ that I have. When someone disagrees with me, someone is late to meet up with me, someone doesn’t look at me while I talk to them, or when someone gives me a disgusted look when I’m talking to them— those are examples of said ‘triggers.’ My fits of anger both look and feel explosive, like my heart is churning and squelching, my insides popping and bursting, even bleeding as both I struggle to breath and scream my heart out at the same time— it’s disgusting to watch and feel, trust me. This exact thing happened when my ‘friend’ walked away from me and went to her friends, ignoring me when I asked her a question. I continued asking, though, but after each time, I felt my heart breaking and breaking. That was when I absolutely went ballistic, screaming, bawling my eyes out, pulling my hair and calling her names. My sister pulled me away, luckily, but I never felt the same anymore. I felt so betrayed for something so little.

When my older brother moved to another country (forced to move for his job) it broke me. Before he could even leave, I was shuttering, holding his clothes so tightly to my chest as if my heart would fall out if I pulled them away. I was also sniffling his clothes, already missing his scent. When he left, I went off. I was coughing, bawling, sweating, shaking and screaming. I felt like a part of me was forcefully ripped from me, I could never control my emotions, and I react just the same as I do now. When someone hurts me emotionally, it feels like they shoved a knife into my chest, twisting it before ripping my beating heart out. When I hug someone, and this person rests their head on my chest, it feels like they’re biting my heart and bones out with their teeth. When someone touches me, I swat their hand away. When someone touches me from behind, I kick them with my leg. I feel like such an asshole, but I’m so sensitive.

Other than those disgusting memories, there are other things that made people suspicious of my behaviour, and if I possibly do have BPD.

I heard that compulsive behaviour is a symptom, and I don’t exactly know if I’m compulsive. I mean, I see something that’s ‘unorganised’, I hurry to ‘fix it up’. I always like to eat, especially comfort eat. I never even notice. Once, when I read about the ‘comfort eating is a symptom of BPD’ I rolled my eyes. That was after I finished arguing with my whole entire family over the dishes not being done, and I was eating a back of chips or something— I can’t remember. I didn’t even realise I was eating until a few minutes later, and I still do this subconsciously. Every single time I argue with something, my feet unknowingly carry me to the kitchen, and I grab/make something to eat/drink, I can’t stop myself, nor do I even notice.

Feelings of emptiness. That’s exactly what I’ve been feeling for nearly 7 years now. I’ve just been so… hollow, and exhausted. Always bored, always tired… Sometimes I overeat purposely, I’ll admit. I’ll also admit that I like to copy other people’s personalities, so I could feel like I have an identity of my own. Heck, I don’t even know what I look like. But I just feel like a shell with nothing inside, which makes me wish I could drink and smoke, even if it goes against my morals… though I haven’t done it.

Another thing: I always ruin whatever is going well for me. My relationship with my family? Find something wrong and argue over it. My friends? Get rid of them, they’re in the way and they don’t actually like me. A guy says that he has a crush on me? He just wants to get close enough to hurt me… and I’m doing well at school? Bullshit, I’m not even trying hard enough, so it’s just too easy for me, or a blessing that I’m even passing… so I’m going to fail, purposely.

I have a long history of being bullied about my looks, and nowadays, I don’t even know what I look like. “You’re so beautiful!” Oh wow, really? “You look like a goddess..” are you sure? Which one is the ugliest? I just can’t help how I feel, and I need help desperately… My therapist thinks that I’m being dramatic, that I’m simply ‘growing up’. My mother has raised plenty of teenagers before me, it’d be safe to say ten and even more, and she has confirmed that “what I do to her is not normal behaviour for a teenager.” I would love to elaborate, but I am afraid of sounding dramatic… but I will say that these ‘feelings’ and such have been around long before I hit puberty, and it hurts so much…

Could someone help me, please? My therapist really thinks that I’m lying (mind you, she is a boomer) and believes that these are just “New Gen Labels for normal emotions, you’ll just grow out of it.” But as I’m growing, it’s only become… worse. I am nearly 16, and it still hurts… please, if you could, please help.