Relationship help needed ASAP or I'll lose him. Please...

I am so sleepy and sober lol this is irratic and I know it, sorry but...

I have met the same soul in different bodies since I was 19. I can't sit and say its the perfect soul. Mine isn't either. I don't even know if this soul recognises me. I know I sound crazy but it's true, I believe it, and I love him.

Love. I am in love and I want to stay that way! Please help me 😭

I am not diagnosed with BPD but call me Cinders because my lord the shoe FITS! 💯 But with this person, more than others, and in most other relationships, I lose my grip. I switch, I split, I test, I spin out. I do it all. They all end because my mind is louder than my reality. It's such a battle. I feel like a lost bloody child one second then a boss b*tch the next then this then that then the other ffs. Hurricane.

Anyone who has a successful relationship or has done the work: what can I do? How can I stay grounded? How do I explain this? Sometimes I don't even know who I am.

I try I promise. I am on a self-improvement journey and I never want to hurt them. Twice I've already pushed him away 😭 I am focusing on physical health, I am trying to keep my mind healthy too. 😔

I'm so scared I'll ruin this and therefore, be alone forever. How do you do this???

TL;DR: Are there any top tips you can recommend to help someone maintain a healthy and balanced relationship please?

Tia ♡ x